Design the Life You Love

Design the Life You Love Book Review

I maybe accidentally finished this book in one sitting. It was very entertaining and fun! The author actually advised the readers to read the book everyday for only 20 minutes but I broke that rule. There's many pages in the book for the readers to doodle and to write down their thoughts and ideas. I think that is a fun and a creative way to help the readers learn how to design their life. It has definitely changed my perspective and how I would like to plan my future. I used to think that I have to do this or to do that to reach my goal but after reading this book, I realized that you have to draw out your life in order for it to actually come true. Making a list is great but draw out a mind map of what you want to be in the future, how you want to feel and how you picture yourself being happy, and being the best version of you. I know that no one is perfect but it is not wrong in wanting a better you for the future. It is not a crime to want to be happy and to have the life you dream of.

hugs and kisses

Eating Disorder Confession

So I said I would update you on my trip to San Antonio River Walk but I was debating on whether I should post it or not. iI can close to deleting it to be honest, but my friend, Vonz, encouraged me to. 

Here's that day,

I woke up at 7.30 am and I had fruits for breakfast. Then, I did some reading, caught up with some news on the TV, and also wrote on my blog. My family and I got ready and we headed out around 10 o'clock. Have you spot what is different here? I didn't work out or go to the gym that day. Although riverwalk is a huge, long river and we were literally walking around it which will take hours, I still felt guilty for not working out. The 2 hours road trip was basically me having a battle with my mind, saying, it's okay, it's okay. everything is fine. I was like a child calming another child. Now that I look back, it was silly of me to be anxious about it for the whole trip whiles my sisters were having fun, taking pictures and singing in the car. 

When we got there, we went to a family friend's house first and had lunch with them. We went to a buffet. It was my food heaven. I can easily find vegan food which was great but after the meal, the battle in my head started again, this time it was over the number of calories. I was counting, and recounting and counting again. When we were walking by the river, I took pictures, laughing and smiling for the camera but once my mind was left alone and had some quite, it turned into a calculator again. 

Suddenly, I clicked and realized that I am not recovered. I am physically recovered but mentally, I am a walking anxious calculator. I find myself feeling happy when I ate less calories or when I am spending more time in the gym. I felt in control when I skipped meals. I felt guilty when I have another spoon of oatmeal. I literally was measuring everything to the peas. So I stopped counting for the rest of the day and started looking around. People everywhere were eating, laughing, singing, playing music and having the best times of their life. 

That is life's goal. To be free, not just physically but mentally. To be able to live everyday, not worrying about tomorrow; to be able to go by each night not planning tomorrow's meal or tomorrow's workout. 

I am in no state to advise anyone but I can tell you from my experience that worrying and having anxiety is not how you would want to remember yourself when you have flash backs in your 30s, 40s, or 50s. Now when I look back to my high school years, I wished I had spend more time with friends, with family, with people that love me and people I love rather than spending time at home, in my room, counting calories, worrying, exercising, and being miserable. I have lost so much friends but most importantly, I lost me. I lost the girl inside of me and turned into a sad dead person. If you didn't know me and about my disorder, I would look like an extra in The Walking Dead. I was alone and my disorder loved that. 

I used to think when I get to xx kg, I will stop dieting. When I reach xx inches around my waist I will treat myself with a cookie. When I get to that stage, I believed that I will be happy, that I will be confident, that I will be able to show off my body and hear everyone say "oh gosh how did you did it? it's' so inspiring." But when I got to that weight and had that number around my waist, I was not happy. I was not confident. People around me did start noticing and congratulated me on my weight lost but I did not feel proud. I felt that I was not doing enough, that I can be skinnier and smaller. The longer these feeling lived inside of me, the more obsess I was with numbers. It got to the point where I did not want to be skinny or small anymore. I simply wanted to disappear. 

The thought scared me. I walked down the river and watch everyone around me. They are all human. We are all human. We do not have to be this or to be that . We are not born with labels on us stating how we should be in life. The only thing we have is our body and I have taken mine for granted. 

When I took this picture. I remember how low my self-esteem was. I looked at the picture, edited it, looked at it again, re-edited to a point where I was happy with the lighting and the color contrast. However, my mind was telling me that I looked ugly, that I was fat, and that this picture was rubbish because my face was too chubby. When my sister said I looked skinny in this picture. I remember feeling happy about it afterwards. But now, I feel ashamed because I don't want to be the skinny girl anymore. I want to be remembered as the girl that is bubbly, the girl that smiles, the girl that laughs with her friends, the girl that have so much positive vibe in her. The girl who is confident in her own skin. 

When your demon in your head tells you that you are not worth it,show him that you are worth every inch of perfect imperfection of your body. 

Luna Bar reviews

Luna Bar

Now, Luna Bars does have more ingredients in them than LARABARs but they are really good and have a lot of variety. On the label of the bars, you might find Contains Traces of milk. It does NOT have milk in it. This basically means that the factory manufacture other products that have milk in them so they use the same equipments. However, the factories do clean their equipments before handling other products so it is usually safe and vegan.

Luna Bar totally blowed my mind. LARABARs does have fewer ingredients but as I said before, they all are made of dates so they taste quite similar. Luna Bar on the other hand takes you up and down the cycle of sinful good food that is healthy.

Lemon Zest

I am a die hard fan for lemon in dessert. I even plan to have a lemon cake on my wedding day. My mom said my childhood ambition was to sell lemonades. Yep. Lemon fan right here. This cake is zesty, tangie and lemony. It has a rice crispy treat with a layer of vanilla, lemon icing on the bottom. It's delicious and super filling.

Caramel Nut Brownie

I have not had a brownie in such a long time because it is not easy to find a vegan brownie where I live. However, this threat is ohhh soooooo good. It has a bar of thick, moist chocolate cake with a layer of caramel on the top, drizzled with more dark chocolate. And I have checked, their caramel is VEGAN !

Peanut Butter Cookie

Other than lemon, PB is my top soulful food. I love peanut butter. I used to eat them straight up from the jar. This treat has a rice crispy treat layer that is rich in peanut butter, sitting on top of a generous layer of vanilla peanut icing. Peanuts. Peanuts. Peanuts. If this does not turn you on, I don't know what will.


That will be it for today. I have been experimenting a lot of vegan foods as well as recipes for the holiday so stay tune !

hugs and kisses

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

Change Your Brain, Change Your Life

You do not need a to spend $500 dollar on a therapy section. This book has it all. After reading this book, I got to understand my brain so much better and it was so clear to me now on why I feel the way I felt,why I do the things I did, and why my mind is constantly in a battle with me. It's not a heart vs mind thing, but a brian thing. Literally.

One of the major takeaway I got from this book was the 20-40-60 rule:

In your 20s, you care so much on what people think about you.

In your 40s, you stop giving shit on what people think about you.

In your 60s, you realized that no one was really watching you because they were too busy thinking about themselves.

This book also consist of many stories about people who have gone through brain issues which leads them to the act differently. These issues do not only occur to people with disorders or mental illnesses, it can happen to anybody. Have you ever felt depressed, empty, anxious, or just not yourself? This book explains how our brain works and how we can fix our brain to solve our inner battle.

It was so therapeutic and a good relaxing read. I not only got to learn more about my brain, but also about myself. 

hugs and kisses

LÄRABAR Reviews

LÄRABAR  Review

I might be one of the LÄRABAR's biggest fan. I have tried many of their flavors and cannot get over how something so simple can taste out of the world. I do have to say they all taste pretty similar because all of them are made of dates. However, the other ingredients that they add into each bar makes some differences.

Blueberry Muffin

My first LÄRABAR was Blueberry Muffin. When I first bite into it, there's pieces of blueberry, some chunky nuts and a pinch of acidity. It was like a raw muffin and it got me into the whole Larabar world of amazingness.

Apple Pie 

I also tried the Apple Pie. From then on, I did not need an actual pie to solve my craving. It was amazing, full of flavor and I know in the back of my head that it is good and healthy which makes it even better!

Lemon bar

I've tried this one recently and it was so refreshing ! I felt that I was in the tropical somewhere. This definitely taste a lot like their Pineapple Upside Down Cake, which is one of my favorite !

Seasonal LÄRABAR 

Gingerbread 

Gingerbread is my childhood favorite cookie and having this in a Larabar? I ran to the store to get my hands on it. I was not disappointed. The spices are strong yet comforting. If you don't like a lot of spices then this might not be the one for you but Snickerdoodle might be.

Snickerdoodle 

It has a very soothing and settle taste of the festival with a pinch of all the spices but are not too overwhelming. For this one and the Gingerbread, I might try to bake them to see what happen. Just a little experiment for the weekends and for the holidays. Who's in it with me?

Pumpkin Pie

Now, Halloween is over but we can't stop our pumpkin party! Honestly, I have never tried a pumpkin pie before because it just sound weird to me that a pumpkin can be in a dessert. After trying this bar,
I wonder if they will make a squash pie? 


Now I have tried a lot of LÄRABAR  and these are only the beginning of my review. I would love to do more of these Vegan Bar reviews if you guys want. However, I am not stopping here. There is one LÄRABAR that I love and I think it taste significantly different from the others and that is...
*...drum roll...*

Peanut Butter and Jelly

I am a 90s kid so you can't blame me. This bar tho. It's just like PB&J sandwich that you would bring to school when you are in Elementary school. It soft, peanut-ie, and filled with rich jelly. I cannot tell you how good this is. If you are a big fan of peanut butter, then this is the one for you. If you love PB&J, you will share the love for this bar. I guarantee it is amazing!

That is all for today, I hope ya'll have a wonderful weekend ! I am off to San Antonio for some photoshoot and will be posting more about the trip when I get back. Until then my friends...

hugs and kisses

TREATS by Stephanie Banyas

TREATS by Stephanie Banyas

This book is a based on mix and match recipes you can make with marshmallows. Because I am vegan, I was not able to try the recipes 100%  but I did get inspired and am willing to try the recipes with vegan substitutions. The recipes in this book are simple, the colors are beautiful and the pictures are to die for.

After School Power Bar Treats

1 cup old fashion oats
3 teaspoon sesame seeds
7 tablespoon unsalted butter
24 Vanilla marshmallow
1 teaspoon pure vanilla
1 cup creamy peanut butter
4 cups puffed rice cereal
1/2 cup peanuts
1/2 cup raisin

To make this vegan: use vegan butter and vegan marshmallows. Simple as that. :D

hugs and kisses

What I've Learned from My ED Recovery

What I've Learned from My ED Recovery

Hi guys !

If you've read my last post, you would know that I have recovered from my eating disorder, physically. I am still working on the mentality part but I just want to let you know it's okay to take baby steps. We didn't learn to walk in one day. So here it is, what I've learned from my eating disorder.

First thing is,

Admitting you are sick and need help is the bravest thing you could have done. I admitted I was sick to my parents but they didn't seem to understand at first because no one really had this disorder before and they never heard of it. Later that night my dad went online and search for more information. He came to me the next day and said he will be there for me whenever I needed him. That, to me, was the most touching thing anyone could have said to me at that state. Because having and ED is not like a fever. No doctor and give you a surgery or medicine and you will be find the next day. It's a mental issue and to fight with the mind is to fight a battle with no arms. The mind, like it or not, controls us. If you don't get help, you'll be it's puppet. The demon in your head will conquer your body, your heart, your mind, and your soul. Soon, you won't know who the real you is and who is the demon inside of you.

You know when you are in recovery and people always say, "no you should eat more. More!"  Well yeah we should eat more but not to a point where you have a bad impression of food. When we have ED our stomach shrinks and when we start to eat again, it will stretch. Now, that's a good thing but I also think that you should slowly increase your food intake so that your stomach can learn to expand wider each day. If you switch from 1000 calories a day to 2000 calories, you will hurt your body and you will feel bloated. When you are bloated you tend to think, "omg I'm going to be fat," no darling, your stomach is just happy to have all the food and it's hugging them. Relax and eat slowly, let your stomach learn to expand. "Slowly" doesn't mean increasing 500 cal each month, it means having more snacks today and having seconds at dinner tomorrow. Each day, add something to your diet, something extra, something your stomach and your body would live you for.

I also like to point out that, when you are in recovery, your dietician will give you a meal plan, follow it but don't feel restricted by it. If the plan doesn't say you can have an apple in the morning, don't feel like you cannot. Have the damn apple and be happy. The meal plan is only the minimum you can eat. It's a guideline to what you have to eat per day, not a law you have to follow 100% . Also, try not to count calories. It's a waste of time and energy. You will feel anxious and worry for nothing. Food is not made up of number and your body is not made up of number .

Another thing I've learned during my recovery is, no food is bad and no food is good. I know you have heard this a million times but it's so true. Food is not just for fuel, it's for your soul. Whenever I feel like I've had too much in a meal, I would always remind myself, "Our fingers are all different length, so why must our daily food intake be the same each day? Some days I'll have less, and some days I'll have more. Why? Because I can. Because this is living and this is life."  

Exercising is also a debatable part during recovery. It's not recommended to exercise when you have not reached your BMI. But it's also not recommended to exercise when you are still mentally not free from ED mindset, even if you are physically healthy. I would say, exercise when you WANT not when you NEED. Whenever I feel bad for not exercising, I would always tell myself, "I am not in a race or in a competition to be the leanist or the fittest. I am living life to be the healthiest I can be."

I think I've covered quite a lot here but one more important thing to remember is, it is YOUR recovery. Do not follow other's meal plan or other people's diet because they look fit and happy in their Instagram. Follow your own and you will be happy and healthy. 

hugs and kisses