Calories?

Calories?

No matter how much I convince myself that I am not made of numbers or I am a walking calculator, my brain can not shut up with the numbers. My English teacher once said, "it's easy to learn something, but it's difficult to unlearn it later." I finally understand what she meant. Once you know how much calories an apple has, it's not easy to look past the numbers. It's just there. I have been through a lot with my eating disorder and my anorexia. I used to count calories to every single digit. It was an obsession. The lesser I consume, the happier I felt. The lesser the number of calories, the more control I felt. I was consuming less than 800 calories a day. I would freak out if I had more. Now, I have 2000+ calories a day. I still count, because as I said, it's hard to see past the numbers once you know what is in everything. However, I don't freak out as often. I can consume 2000+ calories and be fine with it. Darn, I had 3000+ calories the other day and I am still fine today. I didn't go fat or obese, I didn't fail in life and I did not die.

When you get too obsessed with numbers and counting, it's like an endless cycle. You wake up, you count, you can't wait to go to bed so that the numbers will be 0 again the next morning. It's not a happy cycle. Since pretending that the number is not there is hard for me, I've tried to weigh out what food is good for me and eat more of those food. I eat healthy 70% of the time and 30% of the time, I have chips, I have oily takeaways and I have junk food.

The lesson that I've learnt is not to hold on to what is right, but to let go of what is wrong. It may feel right to not have another serving, it may feel right to not have an apple with you crave it, it may feel right not to treat yourself during celebrations. Holding on to that is not what freedom looks like or even sounds like. Let them do. Let go of the worries, the anxiety, and the fear of what tomorrow will bring. Live today because you only get it once.

I like to think of it this way: if your goal is to be thin, what happens when you are thin? What are you going to do next? If your life goal is to be lean and fit, what happens when you are lean and fit? What happens then? Sometimes, it's not always about achieving something, it's about the journey in achieving them. You can either enjoy your journey to becoming the best version of you or you can beat yourself up for every little mistake you make. Life is an ebb. There's no way a person can achieve something without falling once or twice. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
In the end, aren't we all just human?

hugs and kisses