Change

I am a girl that is afraid of changes. Not because I don't like to experiment or live the adventure, if you know me, I love trying new things and going to new places. But change is a big anxiety for me. The fact that I will not know what will happen next and jumping into the unknown is scary.

Recently, I have made big changes. I have broken off with my cardio bunny self and introducing more yoga and taking more relax walks. I realized that if I have to run every single day till I am 30+ or until I can accept myself then there is no point. I have been running for 6 months now and I have seen no improvement to my body nor my health. What I did get was this obsession over run, to be sore and to feel sweat raining down my skin. I decided that I will not do that anymore. I will not punish myself for having this body, I will not punish myself for not being lean or the fittest and I will not punish myself for resting.

I am doing 30 minutes of walking uphill, some weight training (nothing more than 20 kg) and more yoga. It has just been a week since I am doing this and letting cardio go, and I never felt better. I felt more connected to my body, more relax, and actually looking forward to going to the gym and doing yoga. I have more energy and my digestion system has improve. I sleep better and wake up the next day feeling so satisfied and not tired. I used to wake up feeling exhausted like I had run in my sleep or something, and I would just feel disgusted like all the positive vibe had just drawn out from my system but now, it's the total opposite.

I am practicing self-love. yes, you heard it right, self-love. Who would have thought that you have to teach yourself to love yourself again. when you think about it, it's a no brainier but when you come to practice it, you are actually not just loving yourself but accepting yourself as you are. I am still trying to achieve this goal of self-love and no judgment but I can feel it every day that I am slowly accepting my flaws, my curves, and my imperfections.

The thing is, I might never be the perfect me that I picture myself in my head but I am still enough.

hugs and kisses

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression

Today, my self-esteem has dropped to the bottom of the ocean. I felt disgusted, ashamed, and judgmental over myself, my body, my life. I don't know what it was that made me felt this way and I am not here to spread any form of negativity or to seek any pity. Here is a platform where I share my thoughts. My blog has been my distress machine, it has become a place I felt true to myself, and a place where I learn more of myself and who I am. Today is not a sunny rainbow day where unicorns come out to play. Today, I let sadness and anxiety swallow me up like a black hole creeping in my mind, making me feel depressed and think I am worthless.

I didn't fight that feeling. I let it drown me like quicksand because the truth is you can't deny sadness. It's a feeling, a chemical, a hormone in you that demands to be felt. Just like quicksand, the more you try to escape it, the worst it will get. I let depression spread like a disease over my body. I let my mind point out what was wrong with me. I let it point out my flaws, my insecurities, my worth.

Everyone gets sad, but depression is different.
It is the feeling of never being good enough, the feeling of emptiness and darkness.
You heart feels like an empty can,
your body feels heavy and weak,
your brain is like fire where every burning nerve is screaming at your flaws.
You want to end it,
you try to do something else,
get distracted,
but you cannot concentrate because all you can think of is your flaws,
because all you can think of is what is wrong with your life,
because all you can think of is your imperfection.
You want to be better, you want to be good enough, or even just enough, but how can you do that when hope is robbed away from you by depression?

Everyone gets nervous, but anxiety is different.
It's the feeling of always worrying for no reason.
Your mind is like a gear that keeps turning and turning till your brain catches fire.
Your mind keeps thinking of the what if's,
and your heart feels like it has just run a marathon.
Your hand shakes, your body feels cold but you are burning red.
You feel frustrated but calm at the same time,
you feel happy but sad,
you feel comfort but pain.
It's the a constant uncertainty.
It's like diving into an ocean without knowing a single thing about swimming.
It's like riding a lion without knowing a single thing about control.

Anxiety and depression are like a phantom. You can't always see it on other people's faces but deep down, there's a war in their mind and their bodies are the battleground.

Anxiety and depression are not like fever where you start feeling sick, then you really are sick, and have some pills, ta-da you are fine again. Anxiety and depression come without notifications, without warning, and without restrictions. It can come to you when you are cooking, watching TV, singing in the shower, reading a book, or in the middle of your English class. It can come with a loud scream or a silent voice in your head.

Anxiety and depression are real and serious. The only way to get over it, is to not. Instead, live without and accept it, learn to cope with it. Learn how to overcome the thoughts of being worthless, learn to accept your flaws, learn not dwell your thoughts around perfection. Perfect, by any means, does not equal to happiness. Your worth, your flaws, and your  imperfection is your identity. Getting rid of them, or even trying to change them is like ripping off your individuality, your uniqueness.

Sending much love to all of you.

hugs and kisses