Wake Up to the Joy

Wake Up to the Joy 

"You are real."

It takes a lifetime to discover who you are and be happy within yourself.

This book has definitely opened my mind to everything. I begin to see things from a further perspective and looking at things in a bigger picture. This book also teaches us how we can meditate. I have been following meditation videos online but never really accomplish it because my mind in constantly consumed by thoughts. This book addressed how we can meditate anywhere and meditation is not about doing it right but feeling right. When you feel at peace with your soul, you are meditating. This book is amazing and it came right in time for 2017. This year, don't wish for fame, wealth, or beauty. Don't wish for big cars or houses. Wish for more love and less hate, for hunger to stop, and for a better you.

The most difficult battle is not ones between men but between our mind and our soul. Your body is not the battlefield for the war in your head. When you free your mind, you will find the joy of being you.

hugs and kisses

The Other Boy

The Other Boy

The Other Boy talks about a boy name Shane who has a secret that will change his life forever. No one can know his secret, if and when they do, everything will change. His whole life will be upside down. When his secret can no longer be contained, he faces a difficult decision to let the ones he loves and cares know. Will they stay with him after knowing who he really is? Can he take it if they leave him?

This book was such an easy and quick read. It's short but sweet and as a very deep message behind it. 

hugs and kisses

Extraordinary Ordinary Moments

Extraordinary Ordinary Moments

This book has   ***  P E R F E C T I O N  ***   spelled all over it. It's what I want and what everyone needs.

Basically, it's a book of random things that you value or you care about. On one page it'll ask you what is your most peaceful place that you can imagine, things you have accomplished, things you want to do, your dreams, your success, you hopes, etc.



There's so much in this book, it's amazing. Apart from being totally cute and Instagram-worthy, it's very therapeutic and helpful to the soul and mind. Especially at this time of the year, going back to school and ending 2016, stress is slowly knocking on our doors, at least it is for me. I find that writing and answering some of these things in the book, help anchor myself in me. It's easy to get lost within stress and all the things we face everyday. Sometimes, you just go, go, and go without truly finding the meaning behind what you are doing, why you are going it, and if you like what you are doing. With this book, I find myself more calm and more in-tune with myself and what I want. I discover myself often when I answer the questions. I didn't know what place I find peaceful, after thinking it for a long time, I realized what it was and in a way, it found me and I found myself.

It's a very helpful book and a very fun book with great illustrations. It's a journal that you should revisit every year to see your growth, your achievements, and to find you.

hugs and kisses

Change

I am a girl that is afraid of changes. Not because I don't like to experiment or live the adventure, if you know me, I love trying new things and going to new places. But change is a big anxiety for me. The fact that I will not know what will happen next and jumping into the unknown is scary.

Recently, I have made big changes. I have broken off with my cardio bunny self and introducing more yoga and taking more relax walks. I realized that if I have to run every single day till I am 30+ or until I can accept myself then there is no point. I have been running for 6 months now and I have seen no improvement to my body nor my health. What I did get was this obsession over run, to be sore and to feel sweat raining down my skin. I decided that I will not do that anymore. I will not punish myself for having this body, I will not punish myself for not being lean or the fittest and I will not punish myself for resting.

I am doing 30 minutes of walking uphill, some weight training (nothing more than 20 kg) and more yoga. It has just been a week since I am doing this and letting cardio go, and I never felt better. I felt more connected to my body, more relax, and actually looking forward to going to the gym and doing yoga. I have more energy and my digestion system has improve. I sleep better and wake up the next day feeling so satisfied and not tired. I used to wake up feeling exhausted like I had run in my sleep or something, and I would just feel disgusted like all the positive vibe had just drawn out from my system but now, it's the total opposite.

I am practicing self-love. yes, you heard it right, self-love. Who would have thought that you have to teach yourself to love yourself again. when you think about it, it's a no brainier but when you come to practice it, you are actually not just loving yourself but accepting yourself as you are. I am still trying to achieve this goal of self-love and no judgment but I can feel it every day that I am slowly accepting my flaws, my curves, and my imperfections.

The thing is, I might never be the perfect me that I picture myself in my head but I am still enough.

hugs and kisses

WELLTH

Wellth by Jason Wachob

It's the time of the year when you lose some of your motivation and you just don't know what to do. 

When I got this book delivered to my doorstep, I was utterly excited to read it, hoping to search for an answer and untangle my mind.

I didn't find one. Because no books can tell you how to rule your life. You have to find your own answer and your own solution. 

This book, however, did give me a head start, a guideline, and sidebar to hold on to while I try to solve my mess. 

In this book, the author went through his experiences in the most general way that you can simply relate to. Then, he would list out a couple of things that will make his readers think and analyze based on their own life and experiences. It's like a self-reflecting mirror. He faces the mirror on him first, opening up to you about his history, failures, and past, then he flips the mirror around. Then it is your turn. He listed down some advice in the end to motivate you and to give you a starting point to your own journey of finding yourself again and discovering you.

Some steps and advice that he give may seem simple and obvious but once he breaks it down, you realize how much work it takes and when you actually practice it in your life, it's not easy at all. It's going against what you once believe in and what you have been living with all these years. It is creating a new habit, a new behavior, a new you.

This book is both fascinating and very inspiring. A good read for anyone who is looking to end the battle inside his/her head and are willing to take a step forward in reclaiming life.

hugs and kisses

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression

Today, my self-esteem has dropped to the bottom of the ocean. I felt disgusted, ashamed, and judgmental over myself, my body, my life. I don't know what it was that made me felt this way and I am not here to spread any form of negativity or to seek any pity. Here is a platform where I share my thoughts. My blog has been my distress machine, it has become a place I felt true to myself, and a place where I learn more of myself and who I am. Today is not a sunny rainbow day where unicorns come out to play. Today, I let sadness and anxiety swallow me up like a black hole creeping in my mind, making me feel depressed and think I am worthless.

I didn't fight that feeling. I let it drown me like quicksand because the truth is you can't deny sadness. It's a feeling, a chemical, a hormone in you that demands to be felt. Just like quicksand, the more you try to escape it, the worst it will get. I let depression spread like a disease over my body. I let my mind point out what was wrong with me. I let it point out my flaws, my insecurities, my worth.

Everyone gets sad, but depression is different.
It is the feeling of never being good enough, the feeling of emptiness and darkness.
You heart feels like an empty can,
your body feels heavy and weak,
your brain is like fire where every burning nerve is screaming at your flaws.
You want to end it,
you try to do something else,
get distracted,
but you cannot concentrate because all you can think of is your flaws,
because all you can think of is what is wrong with your life,
because all you can think of is your imperfection.
You want to be better, you want to be good enough, or even just enough, but how can you do that when hope is robbed away from you by depression?

Everyone gets nervous, but anxiety is different.
It's the feeling of always worrying for no reason.
Your mind is like a gear that keeps turning and turning till your brain catches fire.
Your mind keeps thinking of the what if's,
and your heart feels like it has just run a marathon.
Your hand shakes, your body feels cold but you are burning red.
You feel frustrated but calm at the same time,
you feel happy but sad,
you feel comfort but pain.
It's the a constant uncertainty.
It's like diving into an ocean without knowing a single thing about swimming.
It's like riding a lion without knowing a single thing about control.

Anxiety and depression are like a phantom. You can't always see it on other people's faces but deep down, there's a war in their mind and their bodies are the battleground.

Anxiety and depression are not like fever where you start feeling sick, then you really are sick, and have some pills, ta-da you are fine again. Anxiety and depression come without notifications, without warning, and without restrictions. It can come to you when you are cooking, watching TV, singing in the shower, reading a book, or in the middle of your English class. It can come with a loud scream or a silent voice in your head.

Anxiety and depression are real and serious. The only way to get over it, is to not. Instead, live without and accept it, learn to cope with it. Learn how to overcome the thoughts of being worthless, learn to accept your flaws, learn not dwell your thoughts around perfection. Perfect, by any means, does not equal to happiness. Your worth, your flaws, and your  imperfection is your identity. Getting rid of them, or even trying to change them is like ripping off your individuality, your uniqueness.

Sending much love to all of you.

hugs and kisses

How to make a plan for 2016

How to make a plan for 2016

First I would like to say, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Second, do not aim to accomplish goals, instead, make plans. This is because we all know how it feels at the end of the year when we do not achieve what we wanted to in the beginning of the year. It sucks and it demotivates you to start over. So instead, make plans. Plan to eat healthier. Plan to stay active. Plan to build stronger relationships . Plan to study more. Plan to allow yourself to party and indulge. Plan to love yourself a little more each day. Plan to be the best you can be. This way, when you follow your plan, you will achieve something that is both satisfying and surprising. It's like opening presents. You built a strong relationship and bond with a person and when they give you a present, every thought, every memory, and every effort is put into it. What is inside the present is a surprise.

Here is how to make your plans for the new year!

1. Wrote it down! Easy as that but when you write it down, you are more likely to follow it. Do not use your notes on your smartphone. Go old school and grab a pen and a piece of paper.

2. Stick the list on the wall or on the mirror, somewhere you can see it everyday.

3. Keep a journal. It doesn't have to be a page long. Just grab a notebook, write the date, and state how you feeling that day, what you ate, what you did, who you met, etc. When you look back at it a year later, you will see how much you have grown and how much you have progressed. It's like reading a book. When you read a book, you get to see how the characters grow when a difficult situation is thrown at them. Write your story.

4. Have sticky notes. I like to write down motivational quotes and inspirational sayings on sticky notes to stay motivated and to remind myself why I started this journey.

5. Listen. Listen to your body. Your body knows best. It is way smarter than we give it credit for. Listen to it. Do not restrict yourself from delicious desserts when you want one. Do not go to the gym when your body does not want to. Because let's face it, no one in this world will be happy for 365 days without indulgence. No one in this world will be happy to not be able to rest because it is "gym day." Listen to your body. That will give you the most sustainable result and you will genuinely feel much happier in life.

6. Hope but do not expect. When we write our plans, we all expect a certain outcome. However, it is important to only hope that you achieve it and not expect it. We can never know what will happen in 365 days. Let go of the control and let faith do it's job. Enjoy the 365 days and whatever the outcome is, be happy and grateful.


I hope all of you have a wonderful year ahead!

HAPPY 2016!

hugs and kisses

Labels

Labels

Labels. We are all labeled by society, family, friends and even ourselves. Labeled as a boy/girl, as a teen/kid, and as a daughter, son or parent. Those labels are ones we cannot run away from.

But to find peace in life and to really live happily is to not label yourself. Don't label yourself as fat, skinny, tall, short. Don't label yourself as size 2 or size 8. Don't label yourself as HCLF or raw vegan. Who care if you are short and skinny? Who cares if you are size 10? Who cares what you eat and which "rule" you follow? No one. Everyone is only concerning about themselves. It is you who is putting labels on your body and to yourselves that make you feel restricted. You are not happy that way so why continue labelling?

I think the struggle is not finding the label that fits you. Everyone wants to fit in but that's not really difficult. What's hard and challenging is to fit out, to not label yourself anything and to really be free.

2016 is almost here, in fact, it's 3 days away! Make a plan, start fresh, and start being you. I think above health, fitness, and money, we all should have H A P P I N E S S on the top of our list. Being happy doesn't mean never being sad. No no. It means being at the bottom of the roller coaster but still enjoying the ride, knowing that things will get better. It means having the world's shittiest day but still laugh about it. I know it's hard, especially when you are stuck in a tunnel of darkness, losing hope for the light, but in the back of your mind, always remember that you are not alone. Talk to someone, share it with a friend or a family, write it down. You are living your own story, so own the pen!

My task for all of you today and for 2016:

Do something today that will give your stomach butterflies.
Do something today that will make your heart race.
Do something today that you will remember when you look back in 2025 and say, "what a year!"
Whatever you do, do it with no regrets.

hugs and kisses

Calories?

Calories?

No matter how much I convince myself that I am not made of numbers or I am a walking calculator, my brain can not shut up with the numbers. My English teacher once said, "it's easy to learn something, but it's difficult to unlearn it later." I finally understand what she meant. Once you know how much calories an apple has, it's not easy to look past the numbers. It's just there. I have been through a lot with my eating disorder and my anorexia. I used to count calories to every single digit. It was an obsession. The lesser I consume, the happier I felt. The lesser the number of calories, the more control I felt. I was consuming less than 800 calories a day. I would freak out if I had more. Now, I have 2000+ calories a day. I still count, because as I said, it's hard to see past the numbers once you know what is in everything. However, I don't freak out as often. I can consume 2000+ calories and be fine with it. Darn, I had 3000+ calories the other day and I am still fine today. I didn't go fat or obese, I didn't fail in life and I did not die.

When you get too obsessed with numbers and counting, it's like an endless cycle. You wake up, you count, you can't wait to go to bed so that the numbers will be 0 again the next morning. It's not a happy cycle. Since pretending that the number is not there is hard for me, I've tried to weigh out what food is good for me and eat more of those food. I eat healthy 70% of the time and 30% of the time, I have chips, I have oily takeaways and I have junk food.

The lesson that I've learnt is not to hold on to what is right, but to let go of what is wrong. It may feel right to not have another serving, it may feel right to not have an apple with you crave it, it may feel right not to treat yourself during celebrations. Holding on to that is not what freedom looks like or even sounds like. Let them do. Let go of the worries, the anxiety, and the fear of what tomorrow will bring. Live today because you only get it once.

I like to think of it this way: if your goal is to be thin, what happens when you are thin? What are you going to do next? If your life goal is to be lean and fit, what happens when you are lean and fit? What happens then? Sometimes, it's not always about achieving something, it's about the journey in achieving them. You can either enjoy your journey to becoming the best version of you or you can beat yourself up for every little mistake you make. Life is an ebb. There's no way a person can achieve something without falling once or twice. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
In the end, aren't we all just human?

hugs and kisses

Design the Life You Love

Design the Life You Love Book Review

I maybe accidentally finished this book in one sitting. It was very entertaining and fun! The author actually advised the readers to read the book everyday for only 20 minutes but I broke that rule. There's many pages in the book for the readers to doodle and to write down their thoughts and ideas. I think that is a fun and a creative way to help the readers learn how to design their life. It has definitely changed my perspective and how I would like to plan my future. I used to think that I have to do this or to do that to reach my goal but after reading this book, I realized that you have to draw out your life in order for it to actually come true. Making a list is great but draw out a mind map of what you want to be in the future, how you want to feel and how you picture yourself being happy, and being the best version of you. I know that no one is perfect but it is not wrong in wanting a better you for the future. It is not a crime to want to be happy and to have the life you dream of.

hugs and kisses

Eating Disorder Confession

So I said I would update you on my trip to San Antonio River Walk but I was debating on whether I should post it or not. iI can close to deleting it to be honest, but my friend, Vonz, encouraged me to. 

Here's that day,

I woke up at 7.30 am and I had fruits for breakfast. Then, I did some reading, caught up with some news on the TV, and also wrote on my blog. My family and I got ready and we headed out around 10 o'clock. Have you spot what is different here? I didn't work out or go to the gym that day. Although riverwalk is a huge, long river and we were literally walking around it which will take hours, I still felt guilty for not working out. The 2 hours road trip was basically me having a battle with my mind, saying, it's okay, it's okay. everything is fine. I was like a child calming another child. Now that I look back, it was silly of me to be anxious about it for the whole trip whiles my sisters were having fun, taking pictures and singing in the car. 

When we got there, we went to a family friend's house first and had lunch with them. We went to a buffet. It was my food heaven. I can easily find vegan food which was great but after the meal, the battle in my head started again, this time it was over the number of calories. I was counting, and recounting and counting again. When we were walking by the river, I took pictures, laughing and smiling for the camera but once my mind was left alone and had some quite, it turned into a calculator again. 

Suddenly, I clicked and realized that I am not recovered. I am physically recovered but mentally, I am a walking anxious calculator. I find myself feeling happy when I ate less calories or when I am spending more time in the gym. I felt in control when I skipped meals. I felt guilty when I have another spoon of oatmeal. I literally was measuring everything to the peas. So I stopped counting for the rest of the day and started looking around. People everywhere were eating, laughing, singing, playing music and having the best times of their life. 

That is life's goal. To be free, not just physically but mentally. To be able to live everyday, not worrying about tomorrow; to be able to go by each night not planning tomorrow's meal or tomorrow's workout. 

I am in no state to advise anyone but I can tell you from my experience that worrying and having anxiety is not how you would want to remember yourself when you have flash backs in your 30s, 40s, or 50s. Now when I look back to my high school years, I wished I had spend more time with friends, with family, with people that love me and people I love rather than spending time at home, in my room, counting calories, worrying, exercising, and being miserable. I have lost so much friends but most importantly, I lost me. I lost the girl inside of me and turned into a sad dead person. If you didn't know me and about my disorder, I would look like an extra in The Walking Dead. I was alone and my disorder loved that. 

I used to think when I get to xx kg, I will stop dieting. When I reach xx inches around my waist I will treat myself with a cookie. When I get to that stage, I believed that I will be happy, that I will be confident, that I will be able to show off my body and hear everyone say "oh gosh how did you did it? it's' so inspiring." But when I got to that weight and had that number around my waist, I was not happy. I was not confident. People around me did start noticing and congratulated me on my weight lost but I did not feel proud. I felt that I was not doing enough, that I can be skinnier and smaller. The longer these feeling lived inside of me, the more obsess I was with numbers. It got to the point where I did not want to be skinny or small anymore. I simply wanted to disappear. 

The thought scared me. I walked down the river and watch everyone around me. They are all human. We are all human. We do not have to be this or to be that . We are not born with labels on us stating how we should be in life. The only thing we have is our body and I have taken mine for granted. 

When I took this picture. I remember how low my self-esteem was. I looked at the picture, edited it, looked at it again, re-edited to a point where I was happy with the lighting and the color contrast. However, my mind was telling me that I looked ugly, that I was fat, and that this picture was rubbish because my face was too chubby. When my sister said I looked skinny in this picture. I remember feeling happy about it afterwards. But now, I feel ashamed because I don't want to be the skinny girl anymore. I want to be remembered as the girl that is bubbly, the girl that smiles, the girl that laughs with her friends, the girl that have so much positive vibe in her. The girl who is confident in her own skin. 

When your demon in your head tells you that you are not worth it,show him that you are worth every inch of perfect imperfection of your body. 

What I've Learned from My ED Recovery

What I've Learned from My ED Recovery

Hi guys !

If you've read my last post, you would know that I have recovered from my eating disorder, physically. I am still working on the mentality part but I just want to let you know it's okay to take baby steps. We didn't learn to walk in one day. So here it is, what I've learned from my eating disorder.

First thing is,

Admitting you are sick and need help is the bravest thing you could have done. I admitted I was sick to my parents but they didn't seem to understand at first because no one really had this disorder before and they never heard of it. Later that night my dad went online and search for more information. He came to me the next day and said he will be there for me whenever I needed him. That, to me, was the most touching thing anyone could have said to me at that state. Because having and ED is not like a fever. No doctor and give you a surgery or medicine and you will be find the next day. It's a mental issue and to fight with the mind is to fight a battle with no arms. The mind, like it or not, controls us. If you don't get help, you'll be it's puppet. The demon in your head will conquer your body, your heart, your mind, and your soul. Soon, you won't know who the real you is and who is the demon inside of you.

You know when you are in recovery and people always say, "no you should eat more. More!"  Well yeah we should eat more but not to a point where you have a bad impression of food. When we have ED our stomach shrinks and when we start to eat again, it will stretch. Now, that's a good thing but I also think that you should slowly increase your food intake so that your stomach can learn to expand wider each day. If you switch from 1000 calories a day to 2000 calories, you will hurt your body and you will feel bloated. When you are bloated you tend to think, "omg I'm going to be fat," no darling, your stomach is just happy to have all the food and it's hugging them. Relax and eat slowly, let your stomach learn to expand. "Slowly" doesn't mean increasing 500 cal each month, it means having more snacks today and having seconds at dinner tomorrow. Each day, add something to your diet, something extra, something your stomach and your body would live you for.

I also like to point out that, when you are in recovery, your dietician will give you a meal plan, follow it but don't feel restricted by it. If the plan doesn't say you can have an apple in the morning, don't feel like you cannot. Have the damn apple and be happy. The meal plan is only the minimum you can eat. It's a guideline to what you have to eat per day, not a law you have to follow 100% . Also, try not to count calories. It's a waste of time and energy. You will feel anxious and worry for nothing. Food is not made up of number and your body is not made up of number .

Another thing I've learned during my recovery is, no food is bad and no food is good. I know you have heard this a million times but it's so true. Food is not just for fuel, it's for your soul. Whenever I feel like I've had too much in a meal, I would always remind myself, "Our fingers are all different length, so why must our daily food intake be the same each day? Some days I'll have less, and some days I'll have more. Why? Because I can. Because this is living and this is life."  

Exercising is also a debatable part during recovery. It's not recommended to exercise when you have not reached your BMI. But it's also not recommended to exercise when you are still mentally not free from ED mindset, even if you are physically healthy. I would say, exercise when you WANT not when you NEED. Whenever I feel bad for not exercising, I would always tell myself, "I am not in a race or in a competition to be the leanist or the fittest. I am living life to be the healthiest I can be."

I think I've covered quite a lot here but one more important thing to remember is, it is YOUR recovery. Do not follow other's meal plan or other people's diet because they look fit and happy in their Instagram. Follow your own and you will be happy and healthy. 

hugs and kisses

Eating Disorder Recovery?

Hi beautiful people !

So, it's been long since I have post about my past eating disorder. The truth is, I don't know if it's in the past or not yet. I gained weight, I got to my normal BMI, and I don't look like a living skeleton walking around. But I still count calories, I still get anxious when I don't exercise, and I still think about food all the time. So have I really  recover? No. It's a big step for me to say it be yes I have recovered physically but mentally, I am still trapped. I know now that I have to eat for my body but I still feel scared and get mad at myself if I ate too much or ate something "unplanned". Hence, I am planning to start listening to my body. (easy said than done) Eat less when I feels full and eat more when I'm hungry or simply want to eat. Food shouldn't be just good for your body. It should be good for the soul too. It's Halloween today and I remember last Halloween I was restricting myself so that I could enjoy some candy but when night falls, I did not even dare to touch one piece of chocolate. Good thing is, I am slowly teaching myself how to enjoy food. I am teaching myself not to categorize things and to differentiate what is food for fuel and food for soul. Balance is the key. I am writing another post about recover, which will be up pretty soon but I just want to put this post up to give you a heads up and also to talk to all of you again. Have a lovely day and Happy Halloween !! 

hugs and kisses