Saturday, 23 January 2016

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression

Today, my self-esteem has dropped to the bottom of the ocean. I felt disgusted, ashamed, and judgmental over myself, my body, my life. I don't know what it was that made me felt this way and I am not here to spread any form of negativity or to seek any pity. Here is a platform where I share my thoughts. My blog has been my distress machine, it has become a place I felt true to myself, and a place where I learn more of myself and who I am. Today is not a sunny rainbow day where unicorns come out to play. Today, I let sadness and anxiety swallow me up like a black hole creeping in my mind, making me feel depressed and think I am worthless.

I didn't fight that feeling. I let it drown me like quicksand because the truth is you can't deny sadness. It's a feeling, a chemical, a hormone in you that demands to be felt. Just like quicksand, the more you try to escape it, the worst it will get. I let depression spread like a disease over my body. I let my mind point out what was wrong with me. I let it point out my flaws, my insecurities, my worth.

Everyone gets sad, but depression is different.
It is the feeling of never being good enough, the feeling of emptiness and darkness.
You heart feels like an empty can,
your body feels heavy and weak,
your brain is like fire where every burning nerve is screaming at your flaws.
You want to end it,
you try to do something else,
get distracted,
but you cannot concentrate because all you can think of is your flaws,
because all you can think of is what is wrong with your life,
because all you can think of is your imperfection.
You want to be better, you want to be good enough, or even just enough, but how can you do that when hope is robbed away from you by depression?

Everyone gets nervous, but anxiety is different.
It's the feeling of always worrying for no reason.
Your mind is like a gear that keeps turning and turning till your brain catches fire.
Your mind keeps thinking of the what if's,
and your heart feels like it has just run a marathon.
Your hand shakes, your body feels cold but you are burning red.
You feel frustrated but calm at the same time,
you feel happy but sad,
you feel comfort but pain.
It's the a constant uncertainty.
It's like diving into an ocean without knowing a single thing about swimming.
It's like riding a lion without knowing a single thing about control.

Anxiety and depression are like a phantom. You can't always see it on other people's faces but deep down, there's a war in their mind and their bodies are the battleground.

Anxiety and depression are not like fever where you start feeling sick, then you really are sick, and have some pills, ta-da you are fine again. Anxiety and depression come without notifications, without warning, and without restrictions. It can come to you when you are cooking, watching TV, singing in the shower, reading a book, or in the middle of your English class. It can come with a loud scream or a silent voice in your head.

Anxiety and depression are real and serious. The only way to get over it, is to not. Instead, live without and accept it, learn to cope with it. Learn how to overcome the thoughts of being worthless, learn to accept your flaws, learn not dwell your thoughts around perfection. Perfect, by any means, does not equal to happiness. Your worth, your flaws, and your  imperfection is your identity. Getting rid of them, or even trying to change them is like ripping off your individuality, your uniqueness.

Sending much love to all of you.

hugs and kisses

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