Change

I am a girl that is afraid of changes. Not because I don't like to experiment or live the adventure, if you know me, I love trying new things and going to new places. But change is a big anxiety for me. The fact that I will not know what will happen next and jumping into the unknown is scary.

Recently, I have made big changes. I have broken off with my cardio bunny self and introducing more yoga and taking more relax walks. I realized that if I have to run every single day till I am 30+ or until I can accept myself then there is no point. I have been running for 6 months now and I have seen no improvement to my body nor my health. What I did get was this obsession over run, to be sore and to feel sweat raining down my skin. I decided that I will not do that anymore. I will not punish myself for having this body, I will not punish myself for not being lean or the fittest and I will not punish myself for resting.

I am doing 30 minutes of walking uphill, some weight training (nothing more than 20 kg) and more yoga. It has just been a week since I am doing this and letting cardio go, and I never felt better. I felt more connected to my body, more relax, and actually looking forward to going to the gym and doing yoga. I have more energy and my digestion system has improve. I sleep better and wake up the next day feeling so satisfied and not tired. I used to wake up feeling exhausted like I had run in my sleep or something, and I would just feel disgusted like all the positive vibe had just drawn out from my system but now, it's the total opposite.

I am practicing self-love. yes, you heard it right, self-love. Who would have thought that you have to teach yourself to love yourself again. when you think about it, it's a no brainier but when you come to practice it, you are actually not just loving yourself but accepting yourself as you are. I am still trying to achieve this goal of self-love and no judgment but I can feel it every day that I am slowly accepting my flaws, my curves, and my imperfections.

The thing is, I might never be the perfect me that I picture myself in my head but I am still enough.

hugs and kisses

WELLTH

Wellth by Jason Wachob

It's the time of the year when you lose some of your motivation and you just don't know what to do. 

When I got this book delivered to my doorstep, I was utterly excited to read it, hoping to search for an answer and untangle my mind.

I didn't find one. Because no books can tell you how to rule your life. You have to find your own answer and your own solution. 

This book, however, did give me a head start, a guideline, and sidebar to hold on to while I try to solve my mess. 

In this book, the author went through his experiences in the most general way that you can simply relate to. Then, he would list out a couple of things that will make his readers think and analyze based on their own life and experiences. It's like a self-reflecting mirror. He faces the mirror on him first, opening up to you about his history, failures, and past, then he flips the mirror around. Then it is your turn. He listed down some advice in the end to motivate you and to give you a starting point to your own journey of finding yourself again and discovering you.

Some steps and advice that he give may seem simple and obvious but once he breaks it down, you realize how much work it takes and when you actually practice it in your life, it's not easy at all. It's going against what you once believe in and what you have been living with all these years. It is creating a new habit, a new behavior, a new you.

This book is both fascinating and very inspiring. A good read for anyone who is looking to end the battle inside his/her head and are willing to take a step forward in reclaiming life.

hugs and kisses

How to be an Active Listener

How to be an Active Listener

Listening and hearing are two different things! Listening takes work and is an active process. Hearing is only sound wave vibrating through your ears. 

Ever feel like you can never have a good conversation with someone? You feel that the more you talk to them, the more you become strangers. Well, instead of trying to fix them, why not look at what you can fix on. Here are some things you are doing wrong as a listener:

1.  Pseudolistening : You are fake listening to them. (We all do that when our mom nags us, admit it)

2.  Defensive listening: You are listening to them because you feel that everything they say is a judgment on you so you're listening to defend yourself and to catch them so that you can fire back. 

3.  Selective Listening: you are only listening to parts of what they are saying that you are interested in.

4.  Stage hogging: you only listen to them because you want to find a chance to slip in and talk about you instead.
5.  Multi tasking: you are doing something else as they talk.

So how to be a good listener?

To be a good and active listener :

1. Do not interrupt

2. Do not judge

3. Use non-verbal

4. Paraphrase (Based on content or emotion WITHOUT adding new words to what the person said)

5.     Focus on them. 

Ways to paraphrase: 

Hey, from what you told me, you said (describe what you hear, it must be a fact, exactly what they say, not what you feel). To me, you sounded like/ I don't know whether (your opinion 1) or (your opinion 2). Am I right?

For example: 

Hey, when I said I do not know how to do the science project after you asked me about it, you said (Intro) “Forget about it” (context). It sounded to me like you were angry at me or are you stress over the work. (Feelings). What is going on? (Question) 

This can avoid you feeling bad about them being angry at you or feeling mad at them for being angry at you when you are not sure if they are really angry at you or not. Maybe she is just stressed, or maybe she had a bad day, or maybe she is sick. So always ask!

Or

 So you are saying that you feel sad because you could not make it to the game tonight. Is that correct?

Always get clarification. This will allow the person to know that you are actually listening and it might also help you understand what they are saying better. Maybe something they said is not what you think they said. 

This is only the first few steps to be an active listener. I have been practising this for months now and it really helped me build a stronger relationship with people I am talking to and it also got me out of a lot of trouble with misunderstandings. The steps might seem simple and a no brainer but it's hard to actually perform it and not go back into multitasking or selective listening when that is what we always do and has become a habit.

You may think you know a person but really what you see is only the surface of what they feel. 

Ask, talk, but most importantly, listen. 

hugs and kisses

Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and Depression

Today, my self-esteem has dropped to the bottom of the ocean. I felt disgusted, ashamed, and judgmental over myself, my body, my life. I don't know what it was that made me felt this way and I am not here to spread any form of negativity or to seek any pity. Here is a platform where I share my thoughts. My blog has been my distress machine, it has become a place I felt true to myself, and a place where I learn more of myself and who I am. Today is not a sunny rainbow day where unicorns come out to play. Today, I let sadness and anxiety swallow me up like a black hole creeping in my mind, making me feel depressed and think I am worthless.

I didn't fight that feeling. I let it drown me like quicksand because the truth is you can't deny sadness. It's a feeling, a chemical, a hormone in you that demands to be felt. Just like quicksand, the more you try to escape it, the worst it will get. I let depression spread like a disease over my body. I let my mind point out what was wrong with me. I let it point out my flaws, my insecurities, my worth.

Everyone gets sad, but depression is different.
It is the feeling of never being good enough, the feeling of emptiness and darkness.
You heart feels like an empty can,
your body feels heavy and weak,
your brain is like fire where every burning nerve is screaming at your flaws.
You want to end it,
you try to do something else,
get distracted,
but you cannot concentrate because all you can think of is your flaws,
because all you can think of is what is wrong with your life,
because all you can think of is your imperfection.
You want to be better, you want to be good enough, or even just enough, but how can you do that when hope is robbed away from you by depression?

Everyone gets nervous, but anxiety is different.
It's the feeling of always worrying for no reason.
Your mind is like a gear that keeps turning and turning till your brain catches fire.
Your mind keeps thinking of the what if's,
and your heart feels like it has just run a marathon.
Your hand shakes, your body feels cold but you are burning red.
You feel frustrated but calm at the same time,
you feel happy but sad,
you feel comfort but pain.
It's the a constant uncertainty.
It's like diving into an ocean without knowing a single thing about swimming.
It's like riding a lion without knowing a single thing about control.

Anxiety and depression are like a phantom. You can't always see it on other people's faces but deep down, there's a war in their mind and their bodies are the battleground.

Anxiety and depression are not like fever where you start feeling sick, then you really are sick, and have some pills, ta-da you are fine again. Anxiety and depression come without notifications, without warning, and without restrictions. It can come to you when you are cooking, watching TV, singing in the shower, reading a book, or in the middle of your English class. It can come with a loud scream or a silent voice in your head.

Anxiety and depression are real and serious. The only way to get over it, is to not. Instead, live without and accept it, learn to cope with it. Learn how to overcome the thoughts of being worthless, learn to accept your flaws, learn not dwell your thoughts around perfection. Perfect, by any means, does not equal to happiness. Your worth, your flaws, and your  imperfection is your identity. Getting rid of them, or even trying to change them is like ripping off your individuality, your uniqueness.

Sending much love to all of you.

hugs and kisses

How to make a plan for 2016

How to make a plan for 2016

First I would like to say, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Second, do not aim to accomplish goals, instead, make plans. This is because we all know how it feels at the end of the year when we do not achieve what we wanted to in the beginning of the year. It sucks and it demotivates you to start over. So instead, make plans. Plan to eat healthier. Plan to stay active. Plan to build stronger relationships . Plan to study more. Plan to allow yourself to party and indulge. Plan to love yourself a little more each day. Plan to be the best you can be. This way, when you follow your plan, you will achieve something that is both satisfying and surprising. It's like opening presents. You built a strong relationship and bond with a person and when they give you a present, every thought, every memory, and every effort is put into it. What is inside the present is a surprise.

Here is how to make your plans for the new year!

1. Wrote it down! Easy as that but when you write it down, you are more likely to follow it. Do not use your notes on your smartphone. Go old school and grab a pen and a piece of paper.

2. Stick the list on the wall or on the mirror, somewhere you can see it everyday.

3. Keep a journal. It doesn't have to be a page long. Just grab a notebook, write the date, and state how you feeling that day, what you ate, what you did, who you met, etc. When you look back at it a year later, you will see how much you have grown and how much you have progressed. It's like reading a book. When you read a book, you get to see how the characters grow when a difficult situation is thrown at them. Write your story.

4. Have sticky notes. I like to write down motivational quotes and inspirational sayings on sticky notes to stay motivated and to remind myself why I started this journey.

5. Listen. Listen to your body. Your body knows best. It is way smarter than we give it credit for. Listen to it. Do not restrict yourself from delicious desserts when you want one. Do not go to the gym when your body does not want to. Because let's face it, no one in this world will be happy for 365 days without indulgence. No one in this world will be happy to not be able to rest because it is "gym day." Listen to your body. That will give you the most sustainable result and you will genuinely feel much happier in life.

6. Hope but do not expect. When we write our plans, we all expect a certain outcome. However, it is important to only hope that you achieve it and not expect it. We can never know what will happen in 365 days. Let go of the control and let faith do it's job. Enjoy the 365 days and whatever the outcome is, be happy and grateful.


I hope all of you have a wonderful year ahead!

HAPPY 2016!

hugs and kisses

Labels

Labels

Labels. We are all labeled by society, family, friends and even ourselves. Labeled as a boy/girl, as a teen/kid, and as a daughter, son or parent. Those labels are ones we cannot run away from.

But to find peace in life and to really live happily is to not label yourself. Don't label yourself as fat, skinny, tall, short. Don't label yourself as size 2 or size 8. Don't label yourself as HCLF or raw vegan. Who care if you are short and skinny? Who cares if you are size 10? Who cares what you eat and which "rule" you follow? No one. Everyone is only concerning about themselves. It is you who is putting labels on your body and to yourselves that make you feel restricted. You are not happy that way so why continue labelling?

I think the struggle is not finding the label that fits you. Everyone wants to fit in but that's not really difficult. What's hard and challenging is to fit out, to not label yourself anything and to really be free.

2016 is almost here, in fact, it's 3 days away! Make a plan, start fresh, and start being you. I think above health, fitness, and money, we all should have H A P P I N E S S on the top of our list. Being happy doesn't mean never being sad. No no. It means being at the bottom of the roller coaster but still enjoying the ride, knowing that things will get better. It means having the world's shittiest day but still laugh about it. I know it's hard, especially when you are stuck in a tunnel of darkness, losing hope for the light, but in the back of your mind, always remember that you are not alone. Talk to someone, share it with a friend or a family, write it down. You are living your own story, so own the pen!

My task for all of you today and for 2016:

Do something today that will give your stomach butterflies.
Do something today that will make your heart race.
Do something today that you will remember when you look back in 2025 and say, "what a year!"
Whatever you do, do it with no regrets.

hugs and kisses

Nuts over Nuts- My Binge Eating Disorder Story

Nuts over nuts- My Binge Eating 

Let me tell you a story about me and nuts. Before, I crave a lot of nuts. I would want them everyday, for every meal. It's not just a handful of them or 1/4 cups of nuts that I want. Once I start eating, I can't stop. It's almost like a drug . I started to think whether or not I was binge eating. I had all the symptoms of the disorder; I felt guilty after eating, I can't stop eating even though I was full, and I was eating very fast. I looked online to how I could stop it. I started saying no to nuts in the day but at night, after dinner, I would make a little sneaky trip to the snack counter and grab the jar of nuts. I would promise myself to only have a handful, but later, just within a few minutes, I finished more than half of the jar. I cried that night, How could I give in? Why am I doing this? How do I get out?

I feel like a lost puppy, drown in a well of darkness. There was no direction, no one to guide me through it. Even looking up to the sky for some light was dark to me. After sitting down and thinking it though, I decided to convince myself that it was not a binge. I told myself that it was only my body telling me that I am lacking something, some nutrients that I have not succeeded in giving it. I was following a high carb low-fat lifestyle and having nuts made me so anxious because it was high in fats. Then it hit me, I was restricting my fat intake for so long that my body needs it. My body is calling for it. I realized that the answer to my dry skin, my fatigue, and my crumbled hair was the fact that I was not consuming enough fats. Once I convinced myself that it was only my body responds to my restriction and not a "binge" or my failure to control myself, I felt as if there was hope for the little puppy in me.

I know now that binge comes from restriction. If I stop restricting myself, I will stop bingeing, I told myself. So I bought some nuts. I have them every night, soon I have them every other night and later, I only have them only when I crave them.

I was in control again. I am listening to my body and my body is listening to me. You think I would have known that balance is the key since I practice yoga, but it is easy said than done.

Like yoga, balance requires practice. You have to try, try and try again with the foods you eat. Not everyone requires xxxx amount of calories, not everyone craves the same thing. Find your balance, experiment with all different kind of food. Life is not about balance, but it is about finding it.

The most valuable adventure in life is not accomplishing goals, but the journey to accomplishing it. 

hugs and kisses

P.S. I would like to add that I do not blame the vegan or the high carb low fat lifestyle. It was my choice to restrict, it was my choice to deprive my body of fats. I made the choice. The vegan/hclf lifestyle simple addresses people to have a higher amount of carbs and lower amount of fats. With different people, with different bodies, we require a different amount of carbs and fat. Yes, people say the ideal amount is 80/10/10 but that is simply a guideline. It is only an ideal guideline, we are not ideally the same. Your body is not made of numbers. You are not a walking calculator. Eat what you think will do best for your body. Don't just eat for a healthy body, but eat for a healthy soul.

Gingerbread Eat Nakd Bar Review

Gingerbread Eat Nakd Bar

I am a huge gingerbread fan. I used to wish my dream house was made of gingerbread. #truestory
No words can explain how excited I was to try this bar.

This bar is very nutty and you can taste a lot of spices but they are not too overwhelming. The aftertaste was interesting. It has kind of a spicy, gingery taste which was surprisingly good. This bar, I believe, will be great with some hot tea and a Harry Potter Marathon! As finals are around the corner, having some holiday treats can be very motivating !

Typical values per 35g

Energy                157kcal
Fat                                  10.8g
Carbohydrate                  12.4g
Fibre                           3.3g
Protein                           3.5g
Salt                                 <0.1g



This bar is:

• Gluten and wheat free
• Dairy free
• Free from added sugar
• Suitable for vegans
• Kosher Approved
• No added syrups 
• Deliciously simple! Made with Dates (48%), Almonds (32%), Pecans (18%), Ginger, Cloves & Cinnamon

hugs and kisses

Ear Nakd Apple Crunch Review

Eat Nakd Apple Crunch

As I am still holding on to the season Fall, I tried my first ever Eat Nakd bar; Apple crunch. This bar brings me back to Autumn in one bite! I have to say, it does taste a lot like apple and rice crispies. It was delicious. The ingredients are all natural and simple which is a bonus for me. 

The bar is very firm with chunks of nuts and some crunch in between each bite. It was a great start for my first nakd bar. I am really looking forward to trying the others. If you are an Autumn season lover like me, this is the perfect snack that can bring you back to October with the sweet scent of maple trees, the pile of golden red leaves on the ground, and the smell of ripe fruits in the air. Compare this to Larabars, this bar does not have a strong date taste, the apple in this bar really comes out and there's a good crunch in the texture. 

Typical values                   per 30g

Energy                        107kcal

Fat                                     2.4g

Carbohydrate                    15.2g

(of which sugars)               14.1g

Fibre                             1.5g

Protein                             5.5g

They are completely :

• Dairy free
• Wheat and gluten free
• Vegan friendly
• Low in saturated fats
• Free from added sugar and syrups
• GM Free
• Kosher Approved
• Deliciously simple! Made with Dates (43%), Soya protein crunchies (soya, tapioca starch, salt) (17%), Cashews (15%), Raisins (14%), Apple (7%), Apple Juice concentrate (4%) and a hint of natural flavouring. 

hugs and kisses

Eating Disorder Confession

So I said I would update you on my trip to San Antonio River Walk but I was debating on whether I should post it or not. iI can close to deleting it to be honest, but my friend, Vonz, encouraged me to. 

Here's that day,

I woke up at 7.30 am and I had fruits for breakfast. Then, I did some reading, caught up with some news on the TV, and also wrote on my blog. My family and I got ready and we headed out around 10 o'clock. Have you spot what is different here? I didn't work out or go to the gym that day. Although riverwalk is a huge, long river and we were literally walking around it which will take hours, I still felt guilty for not working out. The 2 hours road trip was basically me having a battle with my mind, saying, it's okay, it's okay. everything is fine. I was like a child calming another child. Now that I look back, it was silly of me to be anxious about it for the whole trip whiles my sisters were having fun, taking pictures and singing in the car. 

When we got there, we went to a family friend's house first and had lunch with them. We went to a buffet. It was my food heaven. I can easily find vegan food which was great but after the meal, the battle in my head started again, this time it was over the number of calories. I was counting, and recounting and counting again. When we were walking by the river, I took pictures, laughing and smiling for the camera but once my mind was left alone and had some quite, it turned into a calculator again. 

Suddenly, I clicked and realized that I am not recovered. I am physically recovered but mentally, I am a walking anxious calculator. I find myself feeling happy when I ate less calories or when I am spending more time in the gym. I felt in control when I skipped meals. I felt guilty when I have another spoon of oatmeal. I literally was measuring everything to the peas. So I stopped counting for the rest of the day and started looking around. People everywhere were eating, laughing, singing, playing music and having the best times of their life. 

That is life's goal. To be free, not just physically but mentally. To be able to live everyday, not worrying about tomorrow; to be able to go by each night not planning tomorrow's meal or tomorrow's workout. 

I am in no state to advise anyone but I can tell you from my experience that worrying and having anxiety is not how you would want to remember yourself when you have flash backs in your 30s, 40s, or 50s. Now when I look back to my high school years, I wished I had spend more time with friends, with family, with people that love me and people I love rather than spending time at home, in my room, counting calories, worrying, exercising, and being miserable. I have lost so much friends but most importantly, I lost me. I lost the girl inside of me and turned into a sad dead person. If you didn't know me and about my disorder, I would look like an extra in The Walking Dead. I was alone and my disorder loved that. 

I used to think when I get to xx kg, I will stop dieting. When I reach xx inches around my waist I will treat myself with a cookie. When I get to that stage, I believed that I will be happy, that I will be confident, that I will be able to show off my body and hear everyone say "oh gosh how did you did it? it's' so inspiring." But when I got to that weight and had that number around my waist, I was not happy. I was not confident. People around me did start noticing and congratulated me on my weight lost but I did not feel proud. I felt that I was not doing enough, that I can be skinnier and smaller. The longer these feeling lived inside of me, the more obsess I was with numbers. It got to the point where I did not want to be skinny or small anymore. I simply wanted to disappear. 

The thought scared me. I walked down the river and watch everyone around me. They are all human. We are all human. We do not have to be this or to be that . We are not born with labels on us stating how we should be in life. The only thing we have is our body and I have taken mine for granted. 

When I took this picture. I remember how low my self-esteem was. I looked at the picture, edited it, looked at it again, re-edited to a point where I was happy with the lighting and the color contrast. However, my mind was telling me that I looked ugly, that I was fat, and that this picture was rubbish because my face was too chubby. When my sister said I looked skinny in this picture. I remember feeling happy about it afterwards. But now, I feel ashamed because I don't want to be the skinny girl anymore. I want to be remembered as the girl that is bubbly, the girl that smiles, the girl that laughs with her friends, the girl that have so much positive vibe in her. The girl who is confident in her own skin. 

When your demon in your head tells you that you are not worth it,show him that you are worth every inch of perfect imperfection of your body. 

What I've Learned from My ED Recovery

What I've Learned from My ED Recovery

Hi guys !

If you've read my last post, you would know that I have recovered from my eating disorder, physically. I am still working on the mentality part but I just want to let you know it's okay to take baby steps. We didn't learn to walk in one day. So here it is, what I've learned from my eating disorder.

First thing is,

Admitting you are sick and need help is the bravest thing you could have done. I admitted I was sick to my parents but they didn't seem to understand at first because no one really had this disorder before and they never heard of it. Later that night my dad went online and search for more information. He came to me the next day and said he will be there for me whenever I needed him. That, to me, was the most touching thing anyone could have said to me at that state. Because having and ED is not like a fever. No doctor and give you a surgery or medicine and you will be find the next day. It's a mental issue and to fight with the mind is to fight a battle with no arms. The mind, like it or not, controls us. If you don't get help, you'll be it's puppet. The demon in your head will conquer your body, your heart, your mind, and your soul. Soon, you won't know who the real you is and who is the demon inside of you.

You know when you are in recovery and people always say, "no you should eat more. More!"  Well yeah we should eat more but not to a point where you have a bad impression of food. When we have ED our stomach shrinks and when we start to eat again, it will stretch. Now, that's a good thing but I also think that you should slowly increase your food intake so that your stomach can learn to expand wider each day. If you switch from 1000 calories a day to 2000 calories, you will hurt your body and you will feel bloated. When you are bloated you tend to think, "omg I'm going to be fat," no darling, your stomach is just happy to have all the food and it's hugging them. Relax and eat slowly, let your stomach learn to expand. "Slowly" doesn't mean increasing 500 cal each month, it means having more snacks today and having seconds at dinner tomorrow. Each day, add something to your diet, something extra, something your stomach and your body would live you for.

I also like to point out that, when you are in recovery, your dietician will give you a meal plan, follow it but don't feel restricted by it. If the plan doesn't say you can have an apple in the morning, don't feel like you cannot. Have the damn apple and be happy. The meal plan is only the minimum you can eat. It's a guideline to what you have to eat per day, not a law you have to follow 100% . Also, try not to count calories. It's a waste of time and energy. You will feel anxious and worry for nothing. Food is not made up of number and your body is not made up of number .

Another thing I've learned during my recovery is, no food is bad and no food is good. I know you have heard this a million times but it's so true. Food is not just for fuel, it's for your soul. Whenever I feel like I've had too much in a meal, I would always remind myself, "Our fingers are all different length, so why must our daily food intake be the same each day? Some days I'll have less, and some days I'll have more. Why? Because I can. Because this is living and this is life."  

Exercising is also a debatable part during recovery. It's not recommended to exercise when you have not reached your BMI. But it's also not recommended to exercise when you are still mentally not free from ED mindset, even if you are physically healthy. I would say, exercise when you WANT not when you NEED. Whenever I feel bad for not exercising, I would always tell myself, "I am not in a race or in a competition to be the leanist or the fittest. I am living life to be the healthiest I can be."

I think I've covered quite a lot here but one more important thing to remember is, it is YOUR recovery. Do not follow other's meal plan or other people's diet because they look fit and happy in their Instagram. Follow your own and you will be happy and healthy. 

hugs and kisses

Eating Disorder Recovery?

Hi beautiful people !

So, it's been long since I have post about my past eating disorder. The truth is, I don't know if it's in the past or not yet. I gained weight, I got to my normal BMI, and I don't look like a living skeleton walking around. But I still count calories, I still get anxious when I don't exercise, and I still think about food all the time. So have I really  recover? No. It's a big step for me to say it be yes I have recovered physically but mentally, I am still trapped. I know now that I have to eat for my body but I still feel scared and get mad at myself if I ate too much or ate something "unplanned". Hence, I am planning to start listening to my body. (easy said than done) Eat less when I feels full and eat more when I'm hungry or simply want to eat. Food shouldn't be just good for your body. It should be good for the soul too. It's Halloween today and I remember last Halloween I was restricting myself so that I could enjoy some candy but when night falls, I did not even dare to touch one piece of chocolate. Good thing is, I am slowly teaching myself how to enjoy food. I am teaching myself not to categorize things and to differentiate what is food for fuel and food for soul. Balance is the key. I am writing another post about recover, which will be up pretty soon but I just want to put this post up to give you a heads up and also to talk to all of you again. Have a lovely day and Happy Halloween !! 

hugs and kisses

All the Bright Places || Book Review

All The Bright Places

The bitterness of lost, the ability to gain strength from someone you love, and a beautiful story of how a broken girl was saved by a broken boy. It's a story of a girl who learns to live from a boy who wants to die.

I am deeply wounded by this book. It was asdfghjkl. I cannot describe.

Voilet lost her sister Eleanor in a car accident and since then she could not step into a car let alone drive one. She could never see the world the same way without her sister. Until this boy, Finch came into her life and showed her how to dance in the dark as you wait for your light to shine. He taught her how to let go but still hold on to pieces of Eleanor with her. With him, Violet became better, she became braver, and she became free. 

Although Violet was saved, Finch was not.There are somethings she could not understand about Finch and now, she could never get the chance to.

The ending was brutally unforgettable and beautifully sad. In the end,  everything fathom together like a puzzle.

hugs and kisses

Spring Chai Pudding

Spring Chai Pudding

I N G R E D I E N T S

1 cup almond milk
1 medium Asian pear
1/4 cup cashews
1/4 cup chai seed

I N S T R U C T I O N S 

1. In a jar, pour 1 cup of almond milk and 1/4 cup of chai seed. Mix them together.  

2.Then leave it over night in the fridge or  leave in in the fridge for 20 minutes in the morning.

3. Peel and chop the pear into bite size pieces and also chop the  cashews into smaller pieces.

4. Add the pear and cashews into the jar. Enjoy !

hugs and kisses

Simple Perfectly Grilled Salmon

Simple Perfectly Grilled Salmon

I N G R E D I E N T S

1 lb salmon

salt

pepper

I N S T R U C T I O N S 

1. Wash and slice your salmon to about 2 inches thick.

2.Rub the salmon with pinch of salt and pepper.

3. On a hot pan, drizzle some oil and let the oil heat up for 3-5 minutes.

4. Gently place your salmon on the pan. Let the salmon grill for 3 minutes on each side.

5. When the salmon is done on both sides, place the salmon on a rack. This allows the oil to drip away be still leaving the flavor and the fat of the salmon. 

NOTE: If you do not have a rack, you could make your own ! Simple take a plate with curve edges, then place chopsticks on it!

hugs and kisses

Mango Nectarine Yogurt

Mango Nectarine Yogurt 

I  G R E D I E N T S

3/4 cup Greek yogurt

1 small mango

3 nectarines

I N S T R U C T I O N S

1. Dice and cube the nectarines. Slice the mangoes to fine pieces. 

2. Measure out the yogurt and add them into a glass, or a bowl. 

3. Add in the mango and stir them around. Mush the mangoes with the yogurt so that they are all equally combined.

4. Top it with nectarines.

NOTE: You may also add granola, nuts and seeds if you like as the topping.

hugs and kisses

Sweet Potato Fries

Sweet Potato Fries 

I N G R E D I E N T S

How many sweet potatoes as you like
Chili Powder
Five Spice

I N S T R U C T I O N S

1. Pre-heat oven to 400 F
2. Peel, wash and slice the sweet potatoes to how wedges.
3. Rub them with spices and chili powder.
4. Put them on a tray with aluminum paper or parchment paper
5. Let it bake for 20-25 minutes
6. Don't wait for it to cool, just go right ahead ! ;D

It Was Me All Along || Book Review

It Was Me All Along 

Coming from a background of having an eating disorder myself, the book was easily connected to and it felt like I was reading my own story. It's about a girl who suffered from a unhealthy relationship with food. From being over weight and binge eating to dieting to binge eating again. It was an endless cycle but the author got through it and shared her story in a book. Now, I'll share mine.

Since young, I had a poor relationship with food. I would wake up thinking about breakfast and once breakfast was gone, I will be thinking about lunch, then snack then dinner. It was a non stop cycle of continuously thinking of food. When I turned 12 and hit puberty, I realize body change and that's when I started watching what I eat. I would eat in moderation for lunch then for dinner I could get two or three bowls of rice. I would starve or restrict myself for days if I knew I would attend a party or buffet later that week. I would eat as much as I can, have seconds and thirds plus three cakes if I wanted on celebrations and parties. I was never stressed with food and what I put into my mouth but when I was done eating, I look at the plates and instantly felt guilty. I would tell myself.
"Okay, no more. Start our diet tomorrow." And it did, just for tomorrow. The following day, the cycle continued. I wasn't obese, or overweight, I was just fat for my age.

I was bullied and called at when I was in middle school. At first I didn't much care what people say. Yes, I took those words into perspective but it never really hit me. Up until high school. I was depressed, I was stress over school and grade but most of all, I was aiming to be perfect. I want to be called, pretty, thin, skinny, I wanted to be able to walk into Top Shop and try on any kind of clothing and fell good. I wanted to not hate what I see in the mirror every morning and cry to sleep each night.

It was a dark path from there onward. I remember hating myself and refused to look into the mirror, I remember going on numerous diets. I remember watching Youtube videos on healthy eating and all sorts of workout. I remember waking up in the middle of the night worrying what I would eat when sun rises. I remember counting the number of Cheerios in my cereal. I remember hating week ends because I had to wake up early and go for runs. I remember running for an hour but still feel like it wasn't enough to cover my shame of being fat. I remember watching my sisters having ice cream and chocolate but still remain skinny while I would feel bloated and left with guilt.

After 3 months, I lost weight and I was so happy but fear slowly planted its seeds in me. I fear that if I have a cookie, I would gain weight. I fear that if I don't wake up and go for a run, I would be fat. I fear that if I eat later then 7 o clock at night, I could have a belly and muffin tops. This fear lead me to think that I wasn't enough. That whatever I do, I will never be enough. My friend actually saw my unhealthy relationship with food, the way I would ask if I ate too much or if I'd too much calories. She asked me to see a dietitian or a nutritionist. My biggest mistake was that I didn't take her advice to mind before it was too late. Slowly, I develop an eating disorder and was anorexic for almost a year. People around me start asking why I have gone so thin, how I lost so much weight and had I been taking diet pills. It was a trigger, let me tell ya. I usually avoid those questions with just a smile and walk away. People said I was thin but to me, I was still fat.

Now looking back, I remember being thin. I remember counting every single little calories, from salt to pepper, I remember waking up at 4 am to workout and went for a run at 6 because I thought I could lose some more weight, I remember doing lunges and squats while reading or doing my homework, I remember not being able to walk up stairs to my class room because I simple didn't have enough energy, I remember reading about weight loss and eating as little as 800 calories a day. Still, I remember feeling that it wasn't enough, that I was never going to be good enough.

I seek help, I reached out for people around me because I finally could not take it. A year now, full of ups and downs in recovery, I finally got to a healthy weight. Tho now, I still concern what I eat but I always will tell myself in the back of my head that, food is fuel. No food is good and no food is bad. I was the one categorizing them into groups and I was the one abusing them along with my body. I, now eat oatmeal for breakfast, sweet potatoes or vegan soup for lunch and a hearty home cook dinner with family. I allow myself to have treats once a while, ice cream, cookies, chocolate or anything I was craving. Most importantly, I learn to consume them in moderation because whats life without gingerbread man cookies? (my favorite treat btw !)

My advice, no diet is your diet. You just have to have the guts to experiment with different food, the way you eat and move and most importantly, the way you feel. Be happy the way you are because you will always be enough . 

hugs and kisses

A Little Girl's Story

Hello Beautiful People

Today, I'm sharing a story with you. There was once a little chubby girl who did not know and have completely no idea that she would grow up to what she had become; anxious, depressed and insecure. She used to be able to laugh her heart out, not care what people say about her and eat as much as she like. This girl grew up and got bullied. Not physically but emotionally and mentally. She was called dump, fat, bitch, not good enough, ugly and even worthless. At first she ignored the criticism; push away the judgement. Until one day, she had enough. She couldn't take it anymore and decided to listen to the judgement. She believed that she was fat, dump, not good enough and worthless. She believed what others said to her but then slowly, it wasn't just what other said, it was what her demon inside her said. The demon was praying on her slowly day by day. Eating away her humanity, her self-preservation and her love for herself. Days went on and she started hating her self more and more; thinking why cant she be skinny, or smart or just a little pinch more worthy. She started to believe the demon and the demon slowly took over her heart and soul.
She counted calories and ate 900+ calories a day, she exercised 5 hours a day, studied all the time, and tried to be perfect. She believed that no one is perfect and everyone is beautiful but she just could not convince herself that she was one of the beautiful imperfect people too. She tried, but the demon taught her otherwise.

Until a day came that she decided enough was enough. She missed the old chubby girl she used to be and wanted to live. She gathered her courage and talked to her parents. Her parents did not understand her at first and was judgmental. She knew that she had to recover but no one was there to help. No one was there to tell her that eating this few calories can literally kill you, no one was there to guide her out of the dark. no one was there to scoop her out of the demon's hand. She got worst. She dropped weight but she still thinks she wasn't good enough or thin enough. So she went on dieting. She would run for and hour and half everyday, eat fewer calories each day and study still her brain literally freezes. She could not find the energy to move most of the days because she was giving up on eating, on life. Still, the demon screamed at her saying she wasn't good enough. Her parents came by and saw what really was going on. They begged her to go back to the chubby little girl she once were but little did they know that it wasn't that easy. It's not like a wound you can heal after placing a bandage. It's not a broken furniture you can fix with a hammer. It's a mental issue where you have to kill the demon inside you and the only way to do that is by time. The girl needed time but her parents didn't want to give her that much. They still think it was just a sickness you can get better after medication and a kiss at the scar.

The girl gave up explaining to the world. She got into recovery herself and she met friends online who was helpful. She was strong but the demon in her was stronger. She fell back two steps again when she got up one. When her parents finally got to understand fully what was happening, it was too late. The demon scared the girl deeply and was living in her. She was slowly turning to the demon. Hot tempered, selfish, and stubborn. Her parents helped the girl to fight a battle that the girl could not done so herself. But the truth is, the only way to recover is if the girl was willing to accept. Her parents, family and friends can only be her shield while she holds the sword. After a year of tears, blood and a hell lot of downs then ups, the girl got her weight back. She was finally finding life and living it. She was finally understanding the beauty of being imperfect. 

That little girl was me. I used to have eating disorder, anorexic, and constantly have anxiety. I got through it and admit that it was 100% not easy. I have seem many people suffering the same thing and went on the wrong way to end their pain while others got through the storm. I am not sure I have recovered fully, I still get anxiety, I still get nervous when having too much food, I still suffer when I could not work out when given a chance to. But I am fighting, I am fighting every single day not to go back  to the demon's home. It's a dark and scary place. I'm sharing this not because I want pity. I'm sharing this partly because I don't want to hide my problems anymore, everyone had problems and it's okay. Partly also because I want some of you out there who may be suffering from body image, bully or eating disorder that there is still hope and the storm will pass. I may not be the best person to ask for advice or guidance but I promise I can and will be there for any of you who wants to talk or long for just a silent listener. My mail is always open.

Thanks for reading this awful long post. To all of you, when you are down, just Stand Up, Chin Up, and Smile. You are the best that you can be and no body can be better of being you then you yourself.

hugs and kisses.