Thursday, 6 November 2014

A Little Girl's Story

Hello Beautiful People

Today, I'm sharing a story with you. There was once a little chubby girl who did not know and have completely no idea that she would grow up to what she had become; anxious, depressed and insecure. She used to be able to laugh her heart out, not care what people say about her and eat as much as she like. This girl grew up and got bullied. Not physically but emotionally and mentally. She was called dump, fat, bitch, not good enough, ugly and even worthless. At first she ignored the criticism; push away the judgement. Until one day, she had enough. She couldn't take it anymore and decided to listen to the judgement. She believed that she was fat, dump, not good enough and worthless. She believed what others said to her but then slowly, it wasn't just what other said, it was what her demon inside her said. The demon was praying on her slowly day by day. Eating away her humanity, her self-preservation and her love for herself. Days went on and she started hating her self more and more; thinking why cant she be skinny, or smart or just a little pinch more worthy. She started to believe the demon and the demon slowly took over her heart and soul.
She counted calories and ate 900+ calories a day, she exercised 5 hours a day, studied all the time, and tried to be perfect. She believed that no one is perfect and everyone is beautiful but she just could not convince herself that she was one of the beautiful imperfect people too. She tried, but the demon taught her otherwise.

Until a day came that she decided enough was enough. She missed the old chubby girl she used to be and wanted to live. She gathered her courage and talked to her parents. Her parents did not understand her at first and was judgmental. She knew that she had to recover but no one was there to help. No one was there to tell her that eating this few calories can literally kill you, no one was there to guide her out of the dark. no one was there to scoop her out of the demon's hand. She got worst. She dropped weight but she still thinks she wasn't good enough or thin enough. So she went on dieting. She would run for and hour and half everyday, eat fewer calories each day and study still her brain literally freezes. She could not find the energy to move most of the days because she was giving up on eating, on life. Still, the demon screamed at her saying she wasn't good enough. Her parents came by and saw what really was going on. They begged her to go back to the chubby little girl she once were but little did they know that it wasn't that easy. It's not like a wound you can heal after placing a bandage. It's not a broken furniture you can fix with a hammer. It's a mental issue where you have to kill the demon inside you and the only way to do that is by time. The girl needed time but her parents didn't want to give her that much. They still think it was just a sickness you can get better after medication and a kiss at the scar.

The girl gave up explaining to the world. She got into recovery herself and she met friends online who was helpful. She was strong but the demon in her was stronger. She fell back two steps again when she got up one. When her parents finally got to understand fully what was happening, it was too late. The demon scared the girl deeply and was living in her. She was slowly turning to the demon. Hot tempered, selfish, and stubborn. Her parents helped the girl to fight a battle that the girl could not done so herself. But the truth is, the only way to recover is if the girl was willing to accept. Her parents, family and friends can only be her shield while she holds the sword. After a year of tears, blood and a hell lot of downs then ups, the girl got her weight back. She was finally finding life and living it. She was finally understanding the beauty of being imperfect. 

That little girl was me. I used to have eating disorder, anorexic, and constantly have anxiety. I got through it and admit that it was 100% not easy. I have seem many people suffering the same thing and went on the wrong way to end their pain while others got through the storm. I am not sure I have recovered fully, I still get anxiety, I still get nervous when having too much food, I still suffer when I could not work out when given a chance to. But I am fighting, I am fighting every single day not to go back  to the demon's home. It's a dark and scary place. I'm sharing this not because I want pity. I'm sharing this partly because I don't want to hide my problems anymore, everyone had problems and it's okay. Partly also because I want some of you out there who may be suffering from body image, bully or eating disorder that there is still hope and the storm will pass. I may not be the best person to ask for advice or guidance but I promise I can and will be there for any of you who wants to talk or long for just a silent listener. My mail is always open.

Thanks for reading this awful long post. To all of you, when you are down, just Stand Up, Chin Up, and Smile. You are the best that you can be and no body can be better of being you then you yourself.

hugs and kisses.

No comments :

Post a Comment