Thursday, 15 January 2015

It Was Me All Along || Book Review

It Was Me All Along 

Coming from a background of having an eating disorder myself, the book was easily connected to and it felt like I was reading my own story. It's about a girl who suffered from a unhealthy relationship with food. From being over weight and binge eating to dieting to binge eating again. It was an endless cycle but the author got through it and shared her story in a book. Now, I'll share mine.

Since young, I had a poor relationship with food. I would wake up thinking about breakfast and once breakfast was gone, I will be thinking about lunch, then snack then dinner. It was a non stop cycle of continuously thinking of food. When I turned 12 and hit puberty, I realize body change and that's when I started watching what I eat. I would eat in moderation for lunch then for dinner I could get two or three bowls of rice. I would starve or restrict myself for days if I knew I would attend a party or buffet later that week. I would eat as much as I can, have seconds and thirds plus three cakes if I wanted on celebrations and parties. I was never stressed with food and what I put into my mouth but when I was done eating, I look at the plates and instantly felt guilty. I would tell myself.
"Okay, no more. Start our diet tomorrow." And it did, just for tomorrow. The following day, the cycle continued. I wasn't obese, or overweight, I was just fat for my age.

I was bullied and called at when I was in middle school. At first I didn't much care what people say. Yes, I took those words into perspective but it never really hit me. Up until high school. I was depressed, I was stress over school and grade but most of all, I was aiming to be perfect. I want to be called, pretty, thin, skinny, I wanted to be able to walk into Top Shop and try on any kind of clothing and fell good. I wanted to not hate what I see in the mirror every morning and cry to sleep each night.

It was a dark path from there onward. I remember hating myself and refused to look into the mirror, I remember going on numerous diets. I remember watching Youtube videos on healthy eating and all sorts of workout. I remember waking up in the middle of the night worrying what I would eat when sun rises. I remember counting the number of Cheerios in my cereal. I remember hating week ends because I had to wake up early and go for runs. I remember running for an hour but still feel like it wasn't enough to cover my shame of being fat. I remember watching my sisters having ice cream and chocolate but still remain skinny while I would feel bloated and left with guilt.

After 3 months, I lost weight and I was so happy but fear slowly planted its seeds in me. I fear that if I have a cookie, I would gain weight. I fear that if I don't wake up and go for a run, I would be fat. I fear that if I eat later then 7 o clock at night, I could have a belly and muffin tops. This fear lead me to think that I wasn't enough. That whatever I do, I will never be enough. My friend actually saw my unhealthy relationship with food, the way I would ask if I ate too much or if I'd too much calories. She asked me to see a dietitian or a nutritionist. My biggest mistake was that I didn't take her advice to mind before it was too late. Slowly, I develop an eating disorder and was anorexic for almost a year. People around me start asking why I have gone so thin, how I lost so much weight and had I been taking diet pills. It was a trigger, let me tell ya. I usually avoid those questions with just a smile and walk away. People said I was thin but to me, I was still fat.

Now looking back, I remember being thin. I remember counting every single little calories, from salt to pepper, I remember waking up at 4 am to workout and went for a run at 6 because I thought I could lose some more weight, I remember doing lunges and squats while reading or doing my homework, I remember not being able to walk up stairs to my class room because I simple didn't have enough energy, I remember reading about weight loss and eating as little as 800 calories a day. Still, I remember feeling that it wasn't enough, that I was never going to be good enough.

I seek help, I reached out for people around me because I finally could not take it. A year now, full of ups and downs in recovery, I finally got to a healthy weight. Tho now, I still concern what I eat but I always will tell myself in the back of my head that, food is fuel. No food is good and no food is bad. I was the one categorizing them into groups and I was the one abusing them along with my body. I, now eat oatmeal for breakfast, sweet potatoes or vegan soup for lunch and a hearty home cook dinner with family. I allow myself to have treats once a while, ice cream, cookies, chocolate or anything I was craving. Most importantly, I learn to consume them in moderation because whats life without gingerbread man cookies? (my favorite treat btw !)

My advice, no diet is your diet. You just have to have the guts to experiment with different food, the way you eat and move and most importantly, the way you feel. Be happy the way you are because you will always be enough . 

hugs and kisses

1 comment :

  1. So proud of you ! ^^ Stay healthy k :*